Yeah, you didn’t need to risk it all.

A View to a Kill is one of the best James Bond songs. Among other things what makes it so great is that it’s infinitely more entertaining than the entirety of the dreadful Dreck that is the movie, that song is attached to.

Sadly, Spectre isn’t one of the countless times good movies have been paired with bad songs or bad movies with good songs (along with every other measure in-between). The song and the movie are mirror reflections of each other this time out. Writing on the Wall starts really strong and reminds you a lot of previous James Bond songs. The song like the movie however never quite picks up or evolves into anything more interesting. A flat dull pace remains throughout. Nothing about it ever earns the words: Fun, intriguing or even exciting.

I’m not overstating when I say that this might be the worst Bond film since Die Another Day.

The worst thing is that you can tell they were actually trying to make a good movie. If there’s one positive, it’s that you can feel the effort putt into it. The problem is they didn’t seem to commit to anything. They try to be funny, but every fucking joke falls so flat on it’s face. They tried to wink at the camera have Craig be “Moore-Esq.”  while completely forgetting that Craig is serious bruiting Bond. He’s the bond who you see staring into the mirror in Casino Royale, showing you with only the power of his eyes how fucked up, he knows his life is. He’s Emo Bond and he’s fucking great at it.

Which is what make this movie so disappointing.

Skyfall was a celebration movie, a fiftieth anniversary. So we all let something slide. It’s a party after all. So any goofiness that existed in it – I allowed. Spectre goes all in, in the blandest way.

Nothing HITS YOU IN THE DICK (or whatever you got going on), as I like to say. Nothing hits, like Daniel Craig jumping into a train from the top of a power shovel.

There is no moment like in Casino Royale where Instead of jumping over a piece of drywall – Bond just plows through it forcing you to shout FUCK YEAH at your TV at 1:43 in morning . All despite the fact that you’ve seen Casino Royale countless times before. There is no point I remember cheering during this movie. The chills when M reads Tennyson. The all too real torture scene from Casino Royale that still makes me want to leave the room every time Bond asks Le Chiffre to scratch his balls for him. This movie has none of that. It tries. It really tries.

Not to say there nothing positive. It’s just there so much bullshit that I don’t think I remember any of it.

While no one phoned it in, I couldn’t help but notice none of them had very much to do in the movie. Craig tried to make the comedy work. He really did. Ralph Fiennes perhaps the person I looked forward to most after Skyfall is given nothing to do. He’s reduced to the shouting police captain from every cop movie. Ben Wishaw as Q is reduced to comedic relief. If you’ve ever seen The Hour, you know that’s a fucking travesty. Naomie Harris gets much the same treatment, the difference being that her jokes and even her moments where she’s meant to be serious, actually fucking work. They wasted Moriarty himself, Andrew Scott on the 2nd fiddle to (SPOILERS IF YOU HONESTLY DIDN’T KNOW SOMEHOW) Blofeld. A weasley character the Paul Reiser would not be proud of.

Oh yeah Blofeld is in the is movie. Christoph Waltz, the man responsible for one of the best villains of the 21st century, the one and only Hans Landa. Waltz completely under used in this movie. When he say’s “Claus Oberhauser died 20 years ago in avalanche. The man speaking to you now is Ernst Stavro Blofeld”. I didn’t care. He didn’t sell it. It was the worst reveal I’ve ever seen.  I didn’t give a fuck. Below is one of my favorite scenes in movie history. Below is the scene I hold as one of the best uses of tension ever.

What a fucking waste.

The score of this movie among other things, is a cannibalized version of Skyfall. Which is terrible because as someone who loves the score to Skyfall they completely misuse every cue that they absolutely shouldn’t. Using action music is acceptable, reusing or remixing the music from the train fight in Skyfall not a big deal. Reusing Judi Dench’s M theme on Ralph Fiennes M not something I’m against. But using the fucking Scottish theme when Daniel Craig is randomly staring into space (mind you I don’t think he was think about Skyfall or even M, he was thinking some other random Bullshit I can’t remember).

Using the music from the shower scene with the former sex slave, while Craig seduces Monica Bellucci. The only new music come from callbacks to Writing on the Wall, callbacks that stick out when the rest of time you’re just reusing music written to pair with Skyfall.

On a similar note, This movie ruins Craig’s other movies. The constant reference to Silva (Who apparently was part of Spectre?), Le Chiffre, Green and Vesper will force me think of this donkey pre-cum of a movie every time I re-watch Casino or Skyfall.

I guess I should try to say something good about this trash pile. Something good.

Fuck this movie.


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